ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
