my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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