david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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