so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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