how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
