I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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