I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
