And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
