I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
