Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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