If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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