and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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