the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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