I think my vagina is haunted
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
