You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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