Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
