sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
