dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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