you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
