Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
