last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
