Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
