I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
