her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
