so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
