She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
