Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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