I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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