420 ftw
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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