I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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