She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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