1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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