I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
