OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
