I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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