you have to choose: penises or morals?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
