Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
