So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
