If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
