do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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