I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
