I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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