life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
