dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
