i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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