god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
