Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
