Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
