My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.