Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am midnight drunk by noon
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sorry my hands just texted you
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it