goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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