i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
