I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
