new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
