I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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