She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
