A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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