Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
