So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
